Certainly, I am feeling overly guilty for ‘Creating a character’ towards others.
So, why is that?
And why do I continue to create characters in spite of this sense of rejection within me?
[Well, I think I have some idea of why…]
[Can I ask you why?]
[Yeah, it’s fine.]
And then I began explaining about my junior high school memories to Haruka, something that I had never told anyone before.
[I was never really the type to create a character or anything like that.]
[A bullying character, a bullied character, a clutz¹ character, a tsukkomi-like character, an S character, an M character, an Otaku-like character, a Delinquent-like character. In the first year of high school, such guys began to appear in our class; however, originally, human nature is not supposed to be that easy to separate or label themselves, right? So I couldn’t understand the reason why they could label themselves and any others and why it was the norm to do so.] (T/N :Clutz, people who often trip around and make some kind of mistakes. Tsukkomi, a person who retorts to jokes or something like a stand up comedian. An S and M character, which stands for a sadistic and masochistic person.)
Of course I can understand why entertainers act it out on TV. They are playing characters in order to clarify the role they were given and create a laugh track.
The same goes for any characters in a story.
As their characters are fixed, their relationships become clearer and it becomes easier to create ups and downs in the story.
However, we are not entertainers, much less the characters in a story. And yet, why do we have to push ourselves to play such characters?
Haruka listened to the conversation with a serious face.
[And the number one thing I couldn’t understand was deciding what is acceptable and what is not, depending on the characters you play. A bullying character will torment a bullied character as much as he wants. In fact, the person being teased should feel good about that. The reason why he talks so badly is because he has a sharp tongue-like character and you shouldn’t complain about it at all. Everything the idiotic character says is just an idiotic remark, so it’s okay to make fun of them. That’s what I couldn’t understand. All I could think was that it couldn’t be so simple.]
In those days, although it was vague, I had an unpleasant hunch.
I wasn’t able to verbalize my thoughts as clearly as I do now.
But still… No, that’s why. I had a strong sense of rejection about it.
[That’s why, I said it one day. At the time, there was a “S-character” in my class who would say harsh things to the “Bullied character” and I wondered why he would do that. Just because he has that sort of character doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t be hurt from such bullying and it doesn’t absolve you of the cruelty of your comments. Besides, it didn’t seem like many of the “Bullied characters” really enjoyed being bullied.]
[W-What happened then?]
Taking a breath, Haruka asked while tightly holding her hands together.
[Did… it turn into a fight?]
[I don’t think the reaction was as strong as I had expected. I think the S-character just lashed out at me with some rough words and that was the end of it.]
Although my memories were vague at that time, I’m sure it didn’t turn out to be such a messy situation.
The surface of the water, which had been calm, surged a little with my words, I covered myself with a little water, and that was it.
[…But]
[But?]
[Everyone started to distance me from then onwards. Although they didn’t say it out loud nor show anything in their attitudes, but they silently began ostracizing me.]
In fact, I remembered the reaction that happened back then very well.
I wasn’t sure what had changed. However, the eyes looking at me or the words directed to me had become somewhat distant. And before I knew it, the friends which were always beside me had become distant.
Suddenly, I felt a thick sensation as if the temperature in the classroom had begun to drop.
[Did that S-character tell everyone in class to act like that?]
[I don’t think so. I think everyone just did it voluntarily, if I have to say what it was, it was like they were rebelling against the class complicity. I don’t think they did it out of malice towards me, but rather simply because I became someone difficult to include in the circle between them.]
[I see…]
Haruka’s expression fell and she exhaled deeply.
[So there are things like that that happen too…]
[So, now it doesn’t seem like much but at that time, I was really shocked.]
Although I said that in a light tone, I guess my feelings were showing on my face.
Haruka looked at me with concern.
[The guys who laughed together with me everyday now looked at me from a distance. The ones who had been keeping close to me started to ignore me casually… things like that happened often, and honestly, it was hard. It was all because they couldn’t stand up against my thinking. For them, someone who could read the air was more important than someone who reminds them of their own actions… honestly, it was really painful.]
Haruka twists her face and bites her lip silently.
Still, she stares at me with eyes that have begun to moisten.
[So, when I entered high school, I once again tried to play with the character that I had dropped and sure enough, I managed to have some relationships fall into place. I was able to make my friends laugh, and my conversations became much smoother, yeah. Certainly, I did find it fun.]
Becoming friends with Sudo and Shuji was probably the best part of it all.
By nature, I was not the type of person who could be friends with two such popular and well-rounded people.
The reason why I am able to spend time with them like this is because I played a character.
It’s because I bent my own beliefs and pandered to the people around me.
Moreover, I didn’t hurt anyone by doing that.
This should be the best solution that I could choose.
[…But still]
I leaned my head on the window and looked at the Tokyo lights that were beginning to slowly become brighter.
[I can’t get rid of the feeling that this is the wrong choice. I can’t stop feeling self-hatred towards myself for making that choice. By all means, I want to be myself and not play a character.]
Saying that, I turned my eyes towards Haruka.
She was staring at me with a teary face.
[That’s why, when I look at Haruka, I want to support you.]
[….Yes]
[I want a girl like Haruka to be happy. I want that wish of yours to come true.]
[I see.]
When she finished listening, Haruka exhaled deeply, as if she had eaten her fill.
[So that’s what happened to you, Yano-kun. So I…]
[Oh…]
[Um, yeah, thank you. I am really happy that you told me that. Thank you]
[Same here, thank you for listening to me.]
A sharp silence falls between us.
Far below our feet, distant music plays from somewhere.
The sound of the wind blowing envelops the gondola, and I look out the window.
The joy of being able to speak my mind to my dear friend. I was sure that she would not change her attitude toward me even if she knew what was going on inside of me. I had such a happy feeling of certainty within me.
Maybe… This kind of relationship might be called a “real friend.”
A relationship where you can confide your true feelings and accept each other without any issues.
If so, Haruka is my first real friend.
I was somewhat dazed by the happiness of having such a presence in front of me, and the happiness of being able to think of someone in such a way.
That’s why,
[…Say]
Just as the gondola reached the peak point in it’s round.
I couldn’t understand what she meant when said—–.
(Note : Originally, there was a monotone illustration but exact same so I decided to use this.)
[…Shall we kiss?]
[…Huh?]
After a long silence, all that came out of my mouth was a dumbfounded voice.
[Ah, sorry! That’s not what I meant!]
Haruka began to explain flusteredly after realising what she had just said.
[Um, I don’t think it may be that much of a good body but my body is still Akiha’s body! Although I’m sorry that it’s the time when my personality is currently out and I’m doing it in secrecy from Akiha… because this body is like that, that’s what I could do at most for you!]
[…N-No, no. That’s not what I meant! Why are you suddenly talking about a ki…ss?]
[B-because!]
I wonder if it was a habit, but when she squeezed her hand again, Haruka put a little more energy into her voice,
[I just wanted you to be happy!]
[…Happy?]
[Yes…]
When I nodded back at her… Haruka looked at me with a desperate expression.
[I thought that Yano-kun worries a lot about us being very kind. It’s because you are such a person, that I was wondering if I can also help you in any way. That’s why as a friend, I really want you to be happy. I hope a lot of nice things happen to you…]
[Thank you…]
[That’s why I thought about what I could do. Supporting your relationship with Akiha is a given, so what more can I do for you?]
T/N : V1 has been completed in patreon. If you like, you can check it out and have access to prev chapters and +10 chapter parts this month.